TO BUSH
BLASPHEMY! It is my sacred appointment to warn you of the false witness that has been born upon the words of our Lord Jesus Christ! These foul fabricated fables were foisted upon us through the ages by none other than the same liberal media that dominates all we see and hear today. And they have used the Bible to do this! They have misunderinterpreted the Gospel, and it's enough to make me go nucular. Verily, they have turned the Revised Standard Version into the Revised Slandered Version.
It is only in recent years that the real Gospel has been divinely revealed unto us. It is The Gospel According to Bush. George.... uh, I mean, JESUS - commands, and I must obey. Let us worship the Prince of Power. I will now set the Gospel straight, ridding it of the liberal bias that has been a plague upon us for lo these 2000 heathen years. For unlike Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, the Gospel according to Bush makes NO mistakes.
Below are listed some of the most sacrilegious liberal distortions of the Gospel, and under those falsifications are listed - in royal purple - the true and only Gospel - according to Bush. Join us in our War on Errorism!
"Blessed are the rich, for they control the earth ." I mean, we're talking about Gawd ALMIGHTY here, not some loser Democrat.
"If there is a chance that maybe someday someone you don't like may possibly strike you, smite them down with shock and awe, especially if they are much weaker than you. And if you happen to torture some people and kill a lot of families, oh well..."
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' Well, they were right. Except, I'm not so sure that some of our neighbors deserve our love. So let's just stick with the 'hate your enemy' part."
"When you pressure children into praying in public schools, let your prayer make no reference to religions or philosophies that do not support Christian fundamentalism. And let the child who refuses to pray be banished into the land of the C minus students who can't get into college. For they would only become liberal college professors and intellectuals, anyway."
This is quite misleading, because it neglects to mention the long lost verse that comes next: "Because your job is to just serve yourself. Serving both God and mammon is the job of your multi-tasking employees. By the way, shouldn't you lay some of them off today?"
But they left out the next verse - the most important one:
"So worry not your little head about the environment, but let the corporations do what they will to the food you eat, the water you drink and the air you breathe."
"Judge unto others, before they judge unto you."
Ah, now that one's in the Gospel according to Bush.
Now what kind of "family values" is that? Here's what Jesus really said:
"For I have come to set a man against the terrorists, against the terrorist supporters, against anyone who questions what we do, anyone who is not 'with us', and anyone who may someday be on an airline 'no fly' list".
Mollycoddling liberals. The verse should read, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will outsource your jobs." Yeah - then they can rest!
"Jesus said to him, 'If you would be perfect, go, buy low, sell high, and you will have treasure. Then lo - once you have treasure, I shall cut your taxes. And thou shalt dump your debts on the poor and the middle class forever. Amen.'"
"Then Jesus said to him, 'Bring 'em on! For I am the Lord of the sword!'"
"For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world? Quite a bit, actually - and tax cuts, too!"
C'mon, that's not even IN the Gospel of Bush! IGNORE! IGNORE! Let ignorance be your guide!
"And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said: 'Blessed are you rich, for yours is the kingdom of Earth'."
"But woe to you that are poor, for - well, because you're poor. That's pretty woeful, really."
"If there is no speck in your brother's eye, then why not put one there? Find his strength and tell people 'This is my Brother's weakness'. For lo, there could not possibly be a log in my own eye. And as you shall say, so shall people believe".
But they left out the small print: "These sacred teachings shall apply for only one hour each Sunday morning in church and shall in no way affect or interfere with any business dealings. Lo, verily! - business people shall feel free to utterly ignore, yea, even contradict the above mentioned sacred teachings."
"But when you give a feast, do not invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because those folks cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the re-election of us."
"I COMMAND you".
MATTHEW 5:9
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."
"Blessed are the peace breakers, for they shall be called the Coalition of God."
MATTHEW 5:38-39
"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, Do not resist one who is evil. But if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also"
MATTHEW 5:42
"Give to him who begs from you, and do not refuse him who would borrow from you."
"Do not give to him to begs from you. This will only discourage him from looking for a low wage job. Do not refuse him who would borrow from you, but charge him the highest possible interest rate that the market will allow."
MATTHEW 5:43-44
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"
Who in Jesus' name would say that kind of liberal crap!? Let's get rid of this liberal revisionism right now:
MATTHEW 6:5-6
"And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have their reward. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you."
Whoever wrote this was clearly an atheist. Brother Bush is proud of his religion, and he's going to make dang sure you're proud of his religion, too. Let us correct this verse thusly:
MATTHEW 6:24
"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon."
MATTHEW 6:25
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"
MATTHEW 7:1
"Judge not, that you be not judged."
MATTHEW 7:12
"So whatever you wish that men would do to you, do so to them; for this is the law and the prophets."
"Do not do unto others, but let your friends do unto others for you, lest the dirty trail lead back to your own door."
MATTHEW 10:34
"Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword."
MATTHEW 10:35-37
"For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's foes will be those of his own household. He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me"
MATTHEW 11:28
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."
MATTHEW 19:21-22
"Jesus said to him, 'If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.' When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful; for he had great possessions."
MATTHEW 19:23-24
"And Jesus said to his disciples, 'Truly, I say to you, it will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.'"
More liberal rubbish that can be easily misunderstood. Jesus is a straight-shooter who says exactly what he means. He just doesn't mean exactly what he says.
MATTHEW 26:52
"Then Jesus said to him, 'Put your sword back into its place; for all who take the sword will perish by the sword.'"
MARK 4:25
"For to him who has will more be given; and from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away."
Amen, brother. Take that, Robin Hood!
MARK 8:36
"For what does it profit a man, to gain the whole world and forfeit his life?"
MARK 10:23-25
"And Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, 'How hard it will be for those who have riches to enter the kingdom of God!' And the disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said to them again, 'Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.'"
LUKE 6:20
"And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said: 'Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.'"
LUKE 6:24
"But woe to you that are rich, for you have received your consolation."
LUKE 6:41-42
"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye."
LUKE 12:33-34
"Sell your possessions, and give alms; provide yourselves with purses that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."
LUKE 14:13-14
"But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just."
JOHN 15:17
"This I command you, to love one another."
Now that you have seen the distortions of the word of our Lord, you know the depths to which some people will stoop. Why - it's BLASPHEMY!
